You start out with one passing thought, that you probably didn't even notice or just brushed off. Then you start to notice this small weight in your gut, like a stone in the pit of your stomach, again you brush it off, "it nothing just ignore it" you tell yourself and that works for about 5 minutes. The stone starts growing, just a little every passing minute. You don't notice it for a while then you remember that the weight in your stomach was lighter and 15 minutes later the growing stops. You're relieved you think its over. But of course it starts growing again, this time its the size of a small boulder. Your heart starts to flutter. The growing tapers off, again relief washes over you.
Although the boulder has stopped growing its still there. You try as hard as humanly possible to push this feeling away, but you can't. The awareness of everything, everything around you, everything you feel, everything you think consumes you, its all you can notice. Whats worse though, you now think you know what set this whole thing off but what if you're wrong? "of course you're wrong, you're always wrong", that the anxiety talking there. Again you try to push it away this time though with less conviction. You know it won't work, it never does.
Your thoughts are racing, you can't catch even one to hold onto, as soon as you reach its gone. Your thought, they're going 100 miles a second. You start hyperventilating, maybe even crying. You desperately want it to go away, you're pleading for it to stop. "Why are doing this? you're blowing this way out of proportion", thats you're rationale coming through. As soon as it comes its gone. You stay with this heaviness, racing thoughts, heart fluttering, heavy breathing and dizziness from anywhere to another 15 minutes to another 5 hours. When it goes away the relief sets in, for good this time, but you know it will happen again but for these few seconds you breathe in and enjoy.
- Aimée
- Aimée
* - this was written in the middle of an anxiety attack
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